When Chris came home from work tonight I fell apart. In that sobbing my eyes out, helpless, and painful kind of way that leaves your eyes swollen and nose clogged for hours afterwards. This has been the worst period I’ve had in a long time. It was bad enough that last night I was running a temperature, and per my instruction sheets, I called the on call doctor. Yeah, pointless. I didn’t expect some re-assuring words of comfort, nor did I hope for alarm… but the passive “just go to bed, you’re fine” without a goodbye tore at that fragile part of me that felt stupid for calling to begin with.

There is a lot I’m behind on at the moment, and I feel insanely guilty, and at the same time completely justified… it’s been an insane month… moving, puppy, family drama, sick, company, period, coupled with the recent news that Chris may be laid off for 4 to 6 weeks because of a legal issue between the company he works for, and the company that owns the building they are contracted too… well, it just seems so overwhelming. I want to go get a job though, so maybe a layoff for him will mean work for me. That would be fantastic. Strange, huh? The one thing I wanted for so long was to be a stay at home wife, and now that I am… I’m spastic.

Another strange thing is the collection of plastic ware I’ve managed to put together. Old sour cream jars, those little bowls you get the famous layered meal in at KFC, Blue Bunny ice-cream containers, and worst of all… washed and re-used baggies. I had vowed to never be that woman. Now I am, and frankly, it’s funnier than I thought it would be… and I don’t mind. There are some nice, Lock & Lock containers hanging around for my flours, everything else can go in the reused stuff for all I care.

Whiskey is basically housebroken, but he got to one of my Vicoden today (just chewed, nothing missing from it) and hasn’t shown any symptoms… but of course, I am secretly freaking out inside that he’s going to roll over and die because I didn’t take it and knocked it off the desk where he could get to it. My head is pounding, on top of the period I’m having some allergy issues, and gawd, I feel like such a whine bucket… but my incisions itch and the steri-stripes are peeling, which makes me want to pick.

Of course, all I want to do right now is sleep, but that’s been awkward lately too. It’s just hard to stay asleep. I’m not in any huge amount of pain or discomfort… I just can’t keep my eyes shut. And Chris was in the bedroom hacking up a lung as I write this, he just came out to the kitchen and got a glass of milk… in a new glass, which makes his grand total of drinking vessels used for the day since he’s been home something like 3. Plus milk isn’t good for coughs, but he doesn’t care… he doesn’t do the dishes or have to listen to himself whine all night about how awful he feels (which has been happening every night since I’ve been home… I understand he’s sick… but damn it)… to top it all off, the insurance may not pay because I didn’t inform them before I had surgery, and the hospital isn’t sure it can be charged retroactively. Benefits kicked in on April 1st. I was admitted on April 2nd. Our cards didn’t come until April 4th…

I’m just irritated with everything and everyone and I want to cry again because the dog hasn’t pooped all day, but he just did, twice, in the living room… and Chris is still up and awake enough to bitch about it. I guess he isn’t fully potty trained, but you know… he never has accidents with me.

Ugh. Ok, off to cry and whine and bore someone else with this pity party.