At the end of the week Chris’ parents are going to be here, sleeping on our couch. Thankfully it’s a pull out queen sized bed. When they leave, they are taking me with them. I am so excited! They live just a few hours from my Mom, so I am going to ride down with them, my sister will pick me up at their house, and then it’s off to spend a week with Mom & Becky…and Bill, and Aslan, and MIA. Yes, Mia.

Several days ago my phone rang obnoxiously early, and it was my mother. Apparently she’d pulled in from the driveway coming home from work, and Mia was on the front porch. Strange! Ads on Craigslist, at the local shelters, and scouring the local Lost & Found notices did no good. They can’t get a hold of the people she was sold to. So Mia’s back!

Originally the trip was meant to be a weekend thing, and Chris was doing to drive me down and stay with us… but going home with his parents is much cheaper (I’ll just ride the train back), and it will give me much more time with my family. At first he was bummed, we haven’t spent more than two nights apart since we were married… but I managed to convince him that I’m not hurt. I need this week, desperately. Perspective comes so much easier when you’re sitting on the docks watching water ebb and flow around you. There are some things going on in my mind that need clarification and deeper thinking. Mostly it concerns my career choices. It’s extremely difficult to pick between something creative, like web design, and something worthwhile, like becoming a nurse. Both call to me. Each would have a set of challenges and problems of their own.

When it comes to graphic design, I just don’t think I’m good enough. It’s one thing to be able to put together a few pictures for an av… and something else entirely to design a blog or logo. The idea of being my own boss again, long term this time, is daunting. Can I keep myself productive? I don’t know. I just don’t know if art can be anything more than a hobby for me. My biggest hurdle with this path is self doubt. I KNOW I’m good, I know I can relearn css and code loops, and make a go of it… I -know- I can, but at the same time I doubt my ability to make a mark. There are countless people on the web trying to be designers, people who have more than the 3 quarters of art college behind them…people with more talent in their pinkies than I have in my whole body. Can I put myself out there next to these people, and wait… because that’s what I’ll have to do. Wait. Hold my breath and hope someone likes my work…likes it enough to pay for it. The rejection is difficult to fathom.

On the other hand, I suck at math. I have a condition called dyscalculia, I won’t go into the hows and whats, but it affects me in more than one way… even with words. A nursing degree requires science classes, science uses math, and I still use freaking touch points half of the time when adding something. Tears well in my eyes when someone puts a math book in my hands. Do you know how daunting a check register is? Or worse yet, paper money and change. I can count the same pile of money several times and come up with a different amount each time. There’s a part of me in my head that says you CAN do this, because look at the way I learned to budget and get a hold of finances… BUT, I still have bills and credit issues up the wazzo… so what I can pay bills on time and still have some money left over? That’s a necessity… but then again, math in nursing would be too… a part of me hopes that my brain would relent and say ok, learn it, but better yet… RETAIN it…

Regardless of what path I go down, I’ll be getting a part time job, emphasizing the part time part, when I get back from Oregon. Since I don’t have to have this job to keep us afloat, I am going to be pickier this time. The issue with the last job was the fact I went in for one thing and walked out with something completely different. My intention is to find something I know I like, deli work, office work, kids, cell phone services, and maybe retail… Kirkland’s was fun, after all. That way I can start investing in whatever career I pick when the time comes.

Here’s to hoping I come back with some answers after a week on the coast.