Growing Up
Dear Becky,
A week from tomorrow you will be a married woman. Every time you hit a milestone, I tear up and wonder why time has to go by so fast. We’re only 3 years apart, so I can’t sit here and tell you much about life, but I can tell you that watching you get married is going to make me feel old.
So often you and I are on completely different pages. I would definitely say we are closer now than we have ever been before, but with every grown up choice we make, the bond only tightens. Sometimes loving you is overwhelming and difficult, because we are so different…and you are so much like Dad. There have been times in the past two years when you were the only thing that kept me going. I tried to be strong for you, because Mom couldn’t be, and I felt it was my responsibility.
I am scared to walk down the aisle ahead of you, because in a way you’ll no longer be mine. Part of me wants to grab you like you were still as little as you were in the picture above, and run far away from our lives of responsibility and adulthood. I want to hold you close, and keep your near, and rewind to the years where we walked down dusty roads with pocketfuls of change, and moaned about having to go to church four times a week. Most of all I fear watching you stand in front of Uncle Steve instead of Dad.
Is it silly to be hurt that it’s going to be someone else doing your ceremony? Of course I felt the loss at my own, but that was different… I never actually expected to things the traditional way. You did. And I hurt for you, knowing that it won’t be the happiest moment of your life, because you’re going to walk through those doors towards the man you love, and Daddy isn’t going to be there to speak God’s words, binding you and Ryan together for life. As much progress as we’ve made in our grief, I know you well enough to know it’s going to ache for a moment… and that’s not fair. So I’m mad at him for you. Which is stupid, and crazy, but incredibly real. He’s supposed to be here for this, for you, for me, for us…
Us… it’s so different now, and it’s only to go get worse with every year that goes by. We’ve all made our choices and walked our own roads, and although life is wonderful and fantastic… I miss the us we used to be. Not just the us we were with Dad, but the US we were without him, and without anyone else. You know how much I hate changed, and for some reason the complete turn around my life has done because of my marriage (which I do not regret, and in fact cherish) is just striking me now. You told me once with your vows, the Schenewerk’s coming to an end… and I just laughed. We have cousins, and grandparents, and we will forever be Schenewerk’s, but will never be THE Schenewerk’s again. I guess I’m just rambling now… but goodness, I needed to get this out.
On the phone tonight I told you something a fantastic friend told me before I went to The Hitching Post with Chris. You have my permission to fail. Becky, you can screw up, you can hate it at times, and you can quit. And you understood just what I meant. I wasn’t sure you would, and the fact you did made me cry. We’re on the same page right now, and I’m hoping it doesn’t flip for some time.
I love you. Completely, and forever. Good luck, and cheers. I am so glad you’re happy.
Love,
Rachel
This entry was posted on Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 2:53 am and is filed under Everyday, Family & Friends, Inside Out. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
