All She Is

Who I Am

There is this big mess of feelings inside that I would love to be able to articulate and share with you here. I love writing on my blog, it gives me a chance to work through personal things, and get feedback from my friends at the same time. I won’t lie and say comments don’t matter, because they do. I love finding one of you has left me a note… but it would be a lie to say it’s the only reason I write.

Lately I haven’t been writing because there are a lot of things going on in my life that I am afraid of sharing. I live in fear of saying the wrong thing. Not because I may get negative feedback, but because I simply hate to be… wrong. I am much more of an… idiot, in person, than I convey myself to be online. With a keyboard I can deliberate and think, making sure everything sounds just so. I can delete and reword until it looks right, to me at least. I have always cherished the beauty of the computer, for that one reason.

Unfortunately it keeps me from writing, because I am to tired to sit here and police my every word. Especially lately, with a bunch of drama, which is ¾’s good, ¼ awful going on around me. I want to write about these things, but don’t have the energy or will to find the perfect words to do so. I fear that Chris’ family will find this blog and use it as ammunition, so I don’t write about them… and I desperately need to. A friend recommended I start a blog just for friends, but I am to lazy for that.

Part of me wants you to tell me to just write. To not worry about how strange or uneducated my words will be, to cheer me and on encourage me to share what I need to about the things we are dealing with…but the other part of me revels in this new desire for privacy, and the need to hold things in. Growing up I was always a blabber mouth with people I trusted. I told everyone everything, even my mother. The past few years I have been learning to hold things back, and appreciate my own counsel…but that gets me so wound up. So I’d rather you not say anything at all.

You see, this post makes no sense to me. Pushing the save & post button will be extremely difficult, because I don’t want to publish nonsense… but I will. So here we go. Maybe going this far will make letting for of the rest easier.

Posted in: Everyday, Inside Out

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 23rd, 2008 at 10:11 am and is filed under Everyday, Inside Out. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.