I didn’t get a single Christmas avatar made for anyone today. The muse went back to her vacation and all I did was stare at the screen and hope to see Photoshop making avatars for me. Never happened, unfortunately.

Luckily I did get my clothing packed, and sorted through the rest of my belongings, deciding what to take, and what to donate. Tomorrow is going to be busy, and tiring. I feel bad, because I’ll be dragging Cavemale around town (and out) before he has a chance to sleep, and then he’s taking me to the airport extremely early Tuesday morning.

I need to go to Wal-Mart and return my router, buy the sweater my Mom sent me money for, pick up some Christmas presents, give my new address to work (and e-mail it to my Grandma, I knew I forgot something last night), buy two boxes and packing material, give my desk, bedding, and maybe a few shirts to Mary Dawn, clean my room, pack my computer, and wash my bedding… and finishing packing. Don’t let me forget my shampoo and shoes.

Nerves are starting to weigh me down. I’m scared. I’m in love, and I know he is too… but this will only be my second time to live with someone like this. The first time seems awful in retrospect, it wasn’t hell, but it was stupid, and painful. I know this won’t be the same… I know there is so much more between Mr. Oblivious and me, than there ever could have been with Mr. Seattle..

I don’t know what I’m trying to say… I want to do this, I know this is right, I KNOW… but I can’t help being a bit unsure… I don’t doubt it… I just hope it stays this way… Perfect for us (not perfect, by any means… just perfect for us)… and full of love and laughter.

I’m getting married in April. There, I said it.

Oh my fucking gawd!

I am engaged.

It’s soon. Very soon. We just got our song today.

Normally I second guess everything. There is constantly a running dialogue in my head questioning everything. I can not make a choice without being plagued by doubt.

Say yes, there was not a shred of it. Just hope, and love, and a heady feeling I can’t remember experiencing before.

We’re going to wait to have sex (or so we think now), until we tie the knot.

Everyone is invited. If you can get to Coos Bay, Oregon… there will be a spot for you. How I wish everyone could come. I love you all.

And I love him, like I’ve never loved anyone else. Funny, how after knowing someone for 10 and a half years, you can suddenly wake up and realize this person is the one person you want to spend forever with.

(MD, I would have called you, but it’s almost 1am… love you)

Is it to early to have a song? We do. Tonight Mr. Oblivious let me know I was stuck with him now, and I said likewise… then I remembered one of the few Pussycat Doll songs I like, and wala, we have a song. Our song. Chime in with me, awwww….

Click here for, Stickwitu, by the Pussycat Dolls

When Mr. Oblivious asked me whether or not I’d date him, I said yes mostly out of curiosity and comfort. I’ve known him for 10 years, we’ve gone through a lot together. His family was like mine, during those difficult teen years, and I knew he’d never do anything malicious to me. Over the past week it’s grown from a warm fuzzy feeling when I think about him… to a jolt of joy. We’ve had time to discuss those things friends don’t, and found our beliefs on politics, religion, and values are in sync. I look forward to our phone calls, that drain the battery on my phone… and constantly find myself wondering what he’s doing…

It’s not a comfort thing, or an easy thing… it’s a real thing. I truly care for him, like that, and can’t believe how lucky I am that he asked, because I would have never considered it.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to think of him, like that, and not thinking of the many years I considered him a brother, despite my crush on him. We attended countless minor league baseball games together, went fishing, spent hours sitting in his room eating fudge and planning to run away, hating our siblings and wondering why school was so important. We fell asleep watching movies together, and both had our fits, and hid in our rooms during family functions. There are very few people I can remember being such a presence in my life before Ambiance, and he is one of him.

Speaking of Ambiance… we made the official announcement last night. We’re closing. I am so sad. I know deep within this is the right move, but watching 4+ years (if you count Eye Candy, and Mirror Images) of “us” getting ready to close is difficult. The women (and men) there have become my family. Fantastic friendships have been forged, and the good times will always be with me. My breath catches whenever I think of all the blessing Ambiance has brought into my life. The people there saw me through so many things… bad boyfriends, wrong moves, lost friendships, family illness, personal illness, wrong choices, harsh words, and a lot of uncertainty.

They were there with e-mail, letters, and love when my Dad died… and so understanding when I felt like my life was beyond fixing. They taught me it was ok to not like my family, and helped me realize that you sometimes have to do stop looking at your navel and look around you… at all the wonderful things in your life. Without the support of these wonderful people, I’m not sure what sort of state I’d be in right now. Each and every one of them gave me so much support, a ton of love, and more laughs than I can count. I am going to miss “our place”.

New things lay on the horizon for Ambiance, and it’s family. The site itself will be used for a web design business for MD and myself. The family will be migrating to The Art Garden, where Hippolyta will graciously absorb us into her garden of beautiful people. As I’ve said before, we don’t need a board to be friends, anymore. We have a bright future, and the memories from Ambiance will be with me forever. Thank you, for the wonderful years.

I can not go to MD’s house without falling down her stairs. It’s some sort of curse. The moment I praise myself on not being so clumsy I miss 3 steps and find myself flat on the floor.

Today was my first day of work. I like it.

Mr. Oblivious is preparing his place for me. I’ll move sometime in January.

He has a good job, with good benefits, that doesn’t require him to have his GED. A job that pays well, and a job he knows he’s not going to lose. I have a seasonal job with no guarantee of continued employment or benefits. He has a truck he never uses, that I could drive, as I don’t have a car. He has more than enough room for me in house. I live with my best friend’s mom.

He lives close (but not to close) to his family and friends, and a day away from my family. I’d have to come to Kentucky to see my friends. It would be a lot easier to get the rest of my stuff, including my animals, to him, instead of trying to get it all here. It’s hot in the summer, and they get snow in the winter. It’s close to the water. It all boils down to the fact that it’s easier for me to move to him.

The idea sort of scares me. I’ve known him for years. We were friends, discussing him moving out here, before we started dating. It’s not like this is some internet romance (as wonderful as those can be, I’ve had my fill) that I’m running off to. On the other hand it’s also not a solid one. We haven’t been dating a week, although I had thought of moving out with him more than once over the past several years… so this is nothing new.

I think I want to go. I think I’d miss Kentucky. I’d like to be with him before sometime late next year, which is when he could make the move. I could go in January.

I guess I should call my mom and tell her not to ship my stuff.

Mary Dawn said to me the other night “maybe you were supposed to come out here, so you knew you were actually supposed to be out there.”

Maybe she’s right.